If Safeway is right, then two things are true: First, Richard Lavern Remington and Angela Rose Evans are the most prolific grocery-store shoplifters that ever lived; and second, Safeway's "loss prevention" department is absolutely horrible at preventing losses.

The store's security team in the Portland area completed a massive investigation that included hours of surveillance video, complex Excel spreadsheets, and even a planted tracking device on the suspects' car. They say that Remington and Evans stole about $400,000 worth of merchandise from Safeway stores every year for "several years," for a total of $5,000,000 in stolen merchandise.

Simple math means that the couple would have had to walk out with about $1,095 worth of groceries every day for more than 12 years in order to come up with $5,000,000 worth of jacked goods.